|trying to smile with anesthesia 🙂
Only three days to my flight to Thailand and i had to take an unexpected and expensive trip to the dentist yesterday. 2 years ago I had a filling break on my salad and I wasn’t keen on going to the dentist at all. in general I hate doctors and i think that the modern medicine is lacking through and through. I despise the feeling of helplessness I get when I’m in pain or sick and especially I hate when I supposedly don’t have the knowledge to heal it, and someone else holds it for me and tells me what to do, as if we’re not talking about MY body and MY aches.
I had plenty of times in which I took the courage to head over to a doctor, and got a real bad treatment that usually made me more sick or sick in a different way [for example, the endless cycle of antibiotics – candida], accompanied by a really disgusting approach that the doctor treats me as a straight up idiot who cant fend for herself and they obviously know everything about me and my body.
With the dentist it’s a whole other story. not only the dentist sucks big time and cant get a friggin filling to last for two weeks, but the whole procedure is horrible. having someone stick his stinking gloved hands in my mouth makes me feel completely out of control, and my emetophobia [fear of vomiting] also relates to that feeling [as to everything really]. And if that’s not enough, I’ve had dental issues since birth, because my mother had to take some kind of medicine before my birth and it literally messed up my face. the most recurring response I get on my youtube channel is about my teeth, and it was always like that in school when other kids would make fun of my teeth. having my teeth completely fixed was too expensive for my family and i learned to accept that these are my teeth, and that’s how its gonna be. But even now I don’t smile with teeth when taking pictures.
Somehow over the years even developed a specific teeth phobia, not dentist phobia, but the fear and extreme aversion from teeth and everything related. I got to a point where i wasn’t able to watch those toothpaste commercial on tv and youtube. the actual thought of teeth and dental procedures was immensely distressing for me.
A few days ago I was enjoying a guava fruit when a damn seed got stuck in my broken filling-cavity thing going around my mouth somewhere, and it took me forever to get it out. in the meanwhile, the seed made my cavity even bigger and got my remaining amalgam filling to drift from my tooth.
Being a hypochondriac, I started investigating about amalgam filling and started asking in fb groups about doctors who take out amalgam filling in a safe way, cause they contain mercury which is a seriously dangerous metal that definitely shouldn’t be in our mouth and needs to be taken out in a way that we don’t absorb and breath it and get cancer and shit.
So after crying a few hours for feeling helpless from the fact that someone else holds the key to my health, and from knowing that i’ll have to let someone touch my mouth and drill my skull, I decided to relax the fuck up and just accept it. from the second I had my resolution on, I stopped crying and I somehow detached myself from the person I was imagining having a dentist appointment the next day.
Now I’m not saying dissociation is the way to go, I am way too unattached to my overall being and I don’t recommend my way of handling things, but this dental experience was different from other experiences I had. I didn’t really feel any fear when I first entered the dentists room, I mean, I was scared, but not anxious. does thas make sense? Anyway, the dentist and assistance were so freaking nice! it shocked me even. I was crying and a bit hysteric at first but they really went through everything they did and I felt like I gained my control back. They even played a daddy yankee video for me on to help me feel more comfortable and relaxed.
I had 2 amalgam fillings replaces to white ones, and I felt so brave and empowered from going through with that, that I went back after a few hours and got another filling done on the other side.
I am so so so proud of myself for going through with this, and taking care of my body. I’m very happy I don’t have mercury in my body anymore and that my teeth condition is good in general. even though i eat 90% carbs haha! but seriously, taking care of ourselves and our bodies is so important! we don’t have any other home to live in! and even though its temporarily, its our only place and the only thing we truly own. I definitely rather pay more for a better dental experience with a private doctor and not having a disastrous metal in my mouth.
I must say, that I don’t how I will react if I’ll need to go to the dentist again, and I don’t think that just deciding to relx and go on with things will cure your phobia or whatever, but it’s definitely good to face it. I had other fears like water and vomiting and I did actually try to face them head on, but it still didn’t work. even after vomiting and after trying to swim for the first time, I’m still very very afraid of it. nevertheless I’m really happy I could have an experience of coping with a fear and getting through with it like a normal person, and not like it was for me with other fears, that weren’t getting the reaction I wanted when facing them. Kind of gave me hope that one day I could get rid of all my phobias. No matter what, I’m gonna fight for my right to live a fearless life.