Browsing Tag

depression

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1 Month Into Traveling in Thailand – A Rollercoaster of Emotions

I was planning to blog so much more, and I even have a couple of posts from Bangkok and Chiang Mai describing shit I done and felt, but it just wasn’t something I felt right about publishing.
Even the food pics I take here I feel that by posting them I let off the wrong impression of thailand as the fruits in israel taste so much better. And moreover, I didn’t feel like writing anything or be involved with anything online cause to be frank? I felt like shit more than half the time. I was planning to vlog as well, most of the time at least, and I didn’t have the energy to do so. That made me feel disappointed in myself. I came here to thailand to explore and a big part of my plan was to get my youtube and blog into a more settled routine. That did not happen and when I noticed I was beating myself up for not doing so, it made me feel worse. So I just accepted that fact and went on.
 
I wanna start in bangkok but lets just go backwards from now. I am now in Pai. Sitting in the kitchen of my guesthouse. A kinda hippie and indian vibe is going around me, and I don’t really connect to it, but I feel that that’s much better than feeling unrelated to a bunch of seriously happy people being excited about every thing that goes around them and just seek approval from others while not approving of anyone themselves. So even though I don’t smoke or drink I actually feel more connected to the people here. I got here 2 days ago, after 2 weeks in Chiang Mai. 

 

The ride to Pai was horrible. No other way too put it. Its the most curviest rode I’ve ever witnessed and it took 4 fucking hours. I was mainly afraid of the motion sickness people claim to have on the way here, as you know I have a massive fear of vomiting, and I was delaying going to Pai for that reason only. I was scared I would feel bad during the ride and of course from others feeling bad during the ride. I decided to come here quite spontaneously after debating going to Koh Pangan in the most expensive time of the year. When the taxi arrived to pick me up I immediately knew I’m gonna have problems with the Chinese girl that was already in the cab. She looked in so much pain, I knew shes gonna get carsick. I was constantly looking out for her, if anything happens or if she feels worse, and it happened quite fast.
She vomited into a bag not even halfway, and I was panicking. The fact that I couldn’t run away from this thing happening in front of me was excruciating. I was trying to relax and tell myself that this is not about me, it cannot hurt me, and that I am perfectly fine. I gave her an anti vomiting pill, and by the second time she threw up I was almost ok with it, mainly because it was outside the van, and because I accepted the fact  that I’m panicking and that that’s ok. Generally, just accepting whatever is going on around me makes things a lot easier. But that very hard to do when you’re a control freak. 
So we made it to Pai alive and I found this nice guesthouse, I rented a bungalow, and went to explore around a bit. Pai is beautiful. as all of Thailand, the nature here is overwhelming, and all that shit, but to be frank, I felt so depressed yesterday, I was seriously lying in bed for several hours, not wanting to get up at all. It really came down to the fact that I realized I was not gonna be happy anywhere unless I am genuinely happy within myself.

 

Cause I kept on going from place to place, thinking that the problem was in the place and not with me, maybe it was just the heat in Bangkok, or the shitty fruits, or the fact  that I was sick, or staying too long in Chiang Mai, or maybe I just need to go to Taiwan and everything will be better than. But thats all a bunch of bullshit isn’t it? but its very hard to grasp when you’re feeling like hell and feeling that amazing gap between what you thought will be and facing reality is much different.
Being a borderline personality I usually suffer from big expectations that lead to a huge disappointment when those aren’t met. And when you travel, everything is so much more intense. Senses are heightened, everything is in large scale. when you feel bad its terrible and when you feel good its fucking amazing. I think that it all went downhill since Bangkok. 
2 major things happened. I was sick, and I was sticking to one person for too long. It made me feel out of control and unable to take care of myself. I was literally shitting myself all day and I was miserable. At the same time I was spending too much time with the same person, and I just needed some time for myself to recuperate and get my shit together. Literally. When I separated from the dude I felt better but then I was still sick and I couldn’t get over it, nothing I did made it better and I was trying to have fun anyway, do stuff and explore but in the end I was miserable. 
On my last day in bkk I was so depressed I was just lying on my couchsurfing hosts carpet and just crying and cursing Thailand and just wishing things were different. It was a mixture of things. My sick stomach, a sting I got from an unknown something that made me freak, and getting electrocuted. That minute I decided on taking a night bus to chiang mai. As if the problem was with bangkok….

 

When I got to chiang mai I felt like I was home. Trees, great weather, I could actually see the sun, less pollution, and much more fruits. But then I had a coconut at a restaurant, and the waitress started throwing up in the kitchen. The despair I felt was incredible. It just blew up my illusion that it was location dependent. I was exhausted from panicking, cause needless to say my panic attacks sky rocketed since I started traveling., so I just accepted my fate, and went to sleep it off. After a night in the crazy night bus it was certainly needed. 
In Chiang Mai I did some couchsurfing at a nice expat from Ireland, and then I slept a Joe’s from best transformation big fruity house for a few days. It was a nice experience living with so many fruit bats, but I was thinking about renting a place there until the fruit winter festival, and just the thought of staying in one place for so long made me so depressed I couldn’t function.

 

Since then I switched a couple of places, got tired from Chiang Mai and then fell in-love with it all over again, and decided on going to Pai. Even though I’m still not my best physically and mentally, I accept it completely and I am trying my best to be on the move, take care of myself and trust my instincts. I am very proud of myself and my decisions and I will continue to do my own thing 🙂
Peace
Henya

 

Blog

Asian Studies BA Degree? Sayounara!

Hey Maniacs!!!
I am super excited to tell you guys that above all odds, I made
it! I finished 3 years of university!
I went earlier to hand out my last 2 big ass papers, and that is
it! 3 years of a lot of mixed emotions have come to an end.

It was a little nostalgic walking around university and thinking
about how I was when I first started my studies. Gosh, I was so god
damn different. I was trying so hard to conform, to let go of the
“crazy” image I had about myself, and I was very excited to start
a new thing. I even remember trying to hide most of my tattoos and
get rid of a few piercings. Heck, I was “studying” normal people
on the post office, on the streets, and tried to imitate them, what
they wore, how they acted, their tiny necklaces and ballet flats…

From the beginning I wasn’t going there to get a degree, I was
all about learning Japanese, and maybe at the end of uni get a
scholarship to japan, but that was the end of my hopes, as I was just
healing from a long battle with eating disorders and severe
depression. I couldn’t imagine I would become what I am today!
Never would I imagine I’d have a blog, a youtube channel,
friends who love me and I love them, and such a different attitude
towards life.

At the beginning of my second year, I got so distracted
by the need to create, I was really absorbed in my videos and I
didn’t want to go on with my studies, but I was too scared to quit
cause I feared I might fall back into severe depression and kill
myself.
I had the same dilemma as I started the third year… I even made an “I quit University” video back then.
 Looking back, I don’t know if I should have quit or not, but
considering the last to years of school were absolute hell, I am very
proud of myself for sticking to the end.

           

To tell you the truth I wasn’t sure I was going to make it until
a few days ago, where I had the majority of my paper written. I
didn’t know whether I’d have the ability to force myself doing
something I hate for so long, and it did take its toll on me.

Since last October, I became more depressed than I was in the last
few years, and stopped uploading videos frequently. Heck, I probably
uploaded 4 videos this last year. I just didn’t have it in me. Part
of it was due to when I was in Berlin last year. I was so busy with
living life rather than filming them, that a part of vlogging seemed
pathetic to me. I also started thinking, why would people wanna see
my videos? I am cute, funny and enjoyable, but I don’t really give
an added value to give nor do I have a niche that people can relate to.
Besides, I was always a bit embarrassed to vlog in public, and
talking to a camera in your own room does seem a bit weird when you’re
not doing it frequently. There is also the language barrier. Obviously
English is not my native language, and even though I can write OK, I
pronounce myself much better in Hebrew than in English, and its pretty
difficult for me to vlog in English fluently.

I do have some of these thought in my head now, when I actually do
plan on going back to vlogging and blogging regularly, I am pretty
spooked out and I’m not really sure what should I do. Especially now
that I have so many new interests I’d be happy to talk about and that
I am leaving Israel to go travel Thailand.

BTW, brace yourselves, cause I have a ONE WAY TICKET to Thailand
on the 24th of November!!!

I am even more spooked out about this whole thing. I am actually
leaving everything I know to go and explorer a new place and a
totally new lifestyle. Remember that on my Midburn post I told you
guys I want to create a life for myself that I wouldn’t be
depressed to come back to after a festival? So this is me following
that plan.

I sold a heck of a lot of the shit I owned, but I’m gonna use these
next 2 months to sell all the rest and get ready and say goodbye to
the people I love, and get back to a bit of vlogging and I would like
to write a raw till 4 recipe ebook, or at least take the pictures as
I still have a good camera and computer before getting rid of them.

I can’t wait to start backpacking with only a few essentials and
start exploring the real things in life, not what a bunch of bozos
write in their academic books and not working for a bunch of bozos
who get all the profit from the work that I do, and live in the race
of purchasing shit I don’t need.

Well, a pretty exciting period is in front of me, I’ll try to
keep you guys posted 🙂

Peace
Henya

Blog

My Life Through Drawings & A Quick Update

Hello Little Maniacs!

Sorry I haven’t been here for a while, and for uploading only awesome videos and not super awesome one’s.
I have been extremely busy with my personal life and trying to get back on track in my studies.
How’s it going your’e asking?? Frankly not so well, but hey! at least I’m going to class everyday!
That’s something!

My last super awesome video I uploaded was a Draw My Life video I decided on making after I saw all this Youtubers making one. It’s seemed like a great way to express yourself and more personal stuff that one might not feel comfy enough talking straight to camera about.

Ever since uploading this video I feel so much relief, so much stress taken off. I have nothing to be ashamed of myself. on the contrary, I’m proud of myself and the place I stand in now, and I’m even thinking about making a video talking about how to help yourself and encourage yourself to get better and get help, Cause I’ve been in so many horrible places in life and I wished I had any positive figure in life I could relate to.

Once again I want to use this platform to thank you all, I’m really grateful to you guys, as a lot of where I am now is thanks to you! Watching my videos, my blogs, liking, sharing and commenting, it really does mean the world for me.
I love you♥

Here’s a preview to a makeup tutorial I’m editing for next week 🙂
How do you like this look??

See you soon!
LOVE
Hen