I thought about maybe clearing some things out cause I haven’t been uploading anything for a while now…
I’ve been very busy with everything and my mood hasn’t been the best in the last couple of months. Lately I really lack motivation to do pretty much anything. That’s why I haven’t really filmed something new and keeping up with my schedule.
I think the first problem is university. this is my final year, and iv’e been thinking about quitting for two years now. I just hate studying and nothing in it interests me anymore. which is a big shame cause i used to have so much motivation for this degree but the subject doesn’t interest me since I started taking my vlog more seriously. I actually regret not leaving at the start of my second year, or going to study something more artsy in a different college, but now I’m staying cause I never really finished anything I started and I want my degree to be that thing I get to complete by myself. besides I think being able to stay at a place youre not feeling good in is a quality I lack and i need to learn. cause it really is a problem! I quit everything and I don’t do anything I don’t like.
Another thing that keeps me down lately is the feeling of loneliness I get pretty strong these days, I just feel really disconnected from other people in my life, and like im so different from everybody, and people always say this to me, like im so unique and weird and blah blah, and its nice to hear sometimes but in general its not the best feeling to be an outsider. especially in classes i get this feeling when I see other people so soaked in the material and it just seems so unreal to me that they care about this, it even pisses me off.
And besides that, me and my ex boyfriend broke up long ago and since than I didn’t find anyone that interest me enough to enter a relationship with and worthy enough to share my life with. and i miss being with someone. watching a movie in bed, cooking together, I don’t know, I just miss it.
That and the fact that last week was my 25 birthday, I was overwhelmed with depression. I was retrospecting on my life and thinking about all the shit that iv’e been through, crying my eyes out and wanting to shout my lungs out of my body from all the pain I felt all together. yesterday too, I had a panic attack out of nowhere, clearly somethings wrong with me.
I keep on going to classes and I do what I can to not stay at home depressed, I even started going to the gym, but as soon as I get home at night I start feeling really bad and that feeling leads me pretty fast to crying myself to sleep.
I have a ton of projects that are stuck in the middle, 2 awesome songs im working on and an insane vegan project, but I don’t have the energy to pull it off right now.
So that’s what I wanted so say and I wanted you guys to know why iv’e been absent.
hope to see you in better times…